I read a post recently on anxiety.
It said that anxiety feels like when you are walking down the stairs and feel that you have missed a step or when you do not know where your keys are and are frantically searching for them. This felt like an accurate description of anxiety to me. It seemed to me to be describing how I felt at times or feel in general.
It got me thinking of why I write and how writing provides me with a release for all that is jumbled up in my head. It got me thinking about how I would describe my own anxiety.
Anxiety to me is breathing really fast so that I can hear and feel sharp breaths from deep within my lungs and at the same time feeling like I cannot breathe at all. It feels like a weight on my lungs and chest and like something made out of iron has been dropped into the depts of my stomach. My head goes “Oh, no” and I just want to close my eyes. I lay down to rest and take deep breaths. With my eyes closed I can see a succession of images and a series of thoughts come flooding into my mind. I can see people and situations and I suddenly think of things I did not think of before. I have epiphanies and realisations. I feel sadness. I feel happiness. I am overwhelmed by sight and sound and sometimes smell. I open my eyes again. The iron in the depths of my stomach seems like it will never leave. I get up and get back to work. As I focus on the task ahead of me time forges ahead and I do not feel the iron in my stomach or my quick sharp breathing or not being able to breathe. My task is suddenly over and I come back into consciousness so to speak. I am lucid again so to speak. I come out of my intellectual state. I can feel my sharp breaths again. I can feel the iron settled in the depths of my stomach. I feel like I have missed a step going down the stairs. I feel like I have lost my keys and can’t find them. I am on edge. I could walk around and get nothing done. I am distracted thinking of everything and nothing all at one.
“Try not to get worried. Try not to turn on to problems that upset you. Everything’s alright. Yes, everything fine. And we want you to sleep well tonight. ” ( Lyrics and copyright owned by Jesus Christ Superstar)
This is my current mantra from Jesus Christ Superstar. I sing this to myself hoping that these words will calm my anxieties and fear just as this ointment is supposed to have soothed the character of Jesus in this musical.
Singing soothes me. Writing sometimes does. But when I sing I do not feel the iron in the depths of my stomach. It feels like it is turned into liquid iron ( if there is such a thing) and flows out through my voice into the universe. When I belt out those lines in the chorus Shallow from A star is born its its like it is only me and the music that exists and there is no anxiety.
seeker of justice 